Porn and Relationships
Can They Be Bedmates?
Is pornography creating problems in your relationship?
Gone are the days when men had to either rely on the women’s undergarment section in the Sears catalog for visual stimulation or actually step out to buy their skin magazine. With pornography readily available on the internet 24-7, many couples find themselves struggling with issues surrounding the use of porn within and outside of their sexual relationship.
Now I say “men” as if watching porn is an exclusively male activity even though many women enjoy and get aroused by pornography, alone or with their spouse. However, I have yet to encounter in my practice a man complaining about his wife’s or girlfriend’s use of porn. So let’s continue.
What I do encounter in my practice are couples struggling since she has learned that he watches porn.
After a series of heated arguments, both partners are hurt and frustrated as their attempts at resolving their differences surrounding porn use have been fruitless. Why is porn such a touchy subject for many couples?
Why does he need to watch porn? Am I not satisfying him?
Once the cat is out of the bag, some women will begin to feel inadequate and doubt their ability to satisfy their partner sexually. Behind this reaction is the belief that their mate shouldn’t need to watch porn if he’s content with their sex life. Other women will start feeling insecure about their attractiveness and ability to turn on their spouse. After discovering porn featuring blond big breasted women on her husband’s computer, a client became self-conscious about her body during sex, no longer believing that her husband could get turned on by her, being brunette and rather small chested.
Other women I see in my practice feel betrayed once they discover their partner watches porn. For some, the upset is about the fact he’s been keeping his porn use a secret. For others, their partner’s enjoyment of women in porn is perceived as cheating. Or sometimes, women just feel left out as they learn that their partner has his own “secret garden” they’re not a part of.
For many women, pornography is disturbing because it goes against their values surrounding love and sexuality as sex is depicted in its most simple expression, devoid of any emotions. Ethics and morals come into play for others as the portrayal of women in pornography as sexual objects understandably offends them.
Meanwhile, their male counterpart feels bewildered as he struggles to defend his character and personal freedom despite his own self-doubts, all the while trying to appease his partner’s emotional distress and restore trust in the relationship.
Can porn and healthy sexual relationships coexist?
Without justifying pornography or its consumption, here are a few facts:
- In most cases, watching pornography (like masturbating) is not a symptom of sexual dissatisfaction or a lack of sexual attraction towards one’s spouse. Most men who watch porn while they pleasure themselves can distinguish between what is fantasy and reality, and continue to appreciate and enjoy the “real-life” sex they have with their wife.
- Fantasy is normal and healthy in both men and women whether in a relationship or not. Porn is fantasy enacted by actors on film. Most people enjoy fantasizing about having sex with other partners, whether they’re fictitious or real. Again, this is most often not a sign of dissatisfaction with one’s spouse.
- There is no evidence that porn use is associated to misogyny or hostility towards women. The great majority of men who watch porn are able to develop and sustain healthy respectful relationships with the women in their lives.
- For many men, watching pornography has always been part of their masturbation ritual. Some have difficulty visualizing sex on their own (like when we fantasize) and need to rely on the concrete images provided by porn.
- We know that gender differences are at play when it comes to men being the major consumers of porn. Men typically respond to visual stimulation and graphic images more than women.
- Watching porn for some provides release and relaxation. In fantasyland, they can focus on their own pleasure without having to preoccupy themselves with being adequate performers (women in porn always look aroused and content!).
- Porn gazing for some men fulfills their need for sexual diversity without having to jump the fence.
So what now?
With all that being said, how can couples resolve their differences over porn use in their relationship?
Adopting a problem-solving attitude rather than getting into a moral debate about porn use being right or wrong is a more effective approach. Like other differences couples need to negotiate, reaching an agreement about porn use requires a space where both partners feel free to express themselves without fearing judgement. Labelling the other is easy when discussing sex (You’re nothing but a pervert and sex addict; you’re just a prude…) and should be avoided. The best is to agree to disagree and come up with an arrangement that both feel they can live with. Again, like in other situations where differences arise and restoring harmony is priority, one might have to learn to tolerate the other’s offending behavior or give up a cherished habit.
And who knows? For some couples, this might be an opportunity to have that much overdue conversation about sexual preferences and fantasies. By doing so, they might come out of the situation not only with restored trust and harmony, but with a renewed sense of interest and curiosity towards their partner and sex life.
